I started Whole 30-an elimination and reintroduction diet/health program/lifestyle similar to Paleo but stricter (a controversial topic for me because I tend to side on the side that thinks Paleo is dumb…just for what some have made it into “paleofying” everything, but find it in its purest form something not to scoff at).

With Whole30 you part ways with sugar (except in fruit), alcohol, grains, legumes, dairy, white potatoes, carrageenan, MSG, sulfites, baked goods /junk food “Paelofied” or anything that would trigger “the sugar monster” for 30 days (or more) then reintroduce foods that could cause systemic inflammation to get a better idea of your tolerance of some foods. Having allergies, migraines, odd pains and weight to lose, this seemed ideal. Many claim that their health greatly improved and was even cured in some cases. As the Whole9 community/Whole30 website states:

“The physical benefits of the Whole30 include improved body composition, energy levels, sleep quality, attention span, mental attitude and athletic performance.

The psychological benefits of the Whole30 include changing long-standing, unhealthy patterns related to food, eating and your body image, and a dramatic reduction or elimination of food cravings, particularly sugar and carbohydrates.

Testimonials from Whole30 participants reflect the prevention, improvement or “cure” of:high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 1 diabetes, type 2 diabetes, asthma, allergies, skin conditions, PCOS, infertility, migraines, depression, bipolar disorder, heartburn, GERD, joint pain, ADD, thyroid dysfunction, Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, leaky gut syndrome, Crohn’s, IBS, Celiac, diverticulitis, and ulcerative colitis.

These results have been documented by tens of thousands of Whole30 participants – these are real life examples, not theoretical possibilities.”

That part is awesome (and I did experience some of that already), but the eating part sounds tough. My opinion is that it sounds worse than it is, although I had just come off of Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet with unsuccessful results and was all “yay I get fruit.” It was my complaint of SBD working the first but not the second time that my friend Mindy told me about Whole30. I was convinced my metabolism was junk and that something had been going on for the last 2 years of my constantly trying to lose weight without success.

In the first 7 days I lost 6 lbs., had lots of energy and thought my stomach looked flatter. I’m now on day 15 and have not hit the benefits beyond slightly better looking skin and my nails growing faster (for me to chew on), my allergies are worse than ever and I gained back 2 lbs. this morning which could be why they say not to weigh yourself or keep track of anything for the 30 days. I.just.can’t. I think my body is in retaliation mode. I expect my body to get over it and get with the program.

Wait, energy. I have that now. Sometimes too much and I can’t fall asleep until midnight to 1AM and my thoughts are more manic than anything. On Saturdays I have freak outs because after a long day of working on the kitchen renovation I want a beer or glass of wine or some cheese. But nooooo and that’s when we have our 20th approved hot dog with sauerkraut after I threaten to stop Whole30. (It’s actually very good, but I don’t want an Applegate hot dog at that point.) I have 2 more Saturdays. (Maybe more if I keep going.)

I’ll tell you my overall impression of Whole30 in the next post, probably when I complete the 30 days. This post is about how I should have given up by now (I won’t) or how special my husband is or a combination. Just read. This was written on day 10.

Greg is bound and determined to ruin the Whole30 experience for us is my impression of the first 2 weeks. Well I’m on day 10 so not quite 2 weeks. But yes, just hell-bent on making it the hardest and most aggravating thing I’ve experienced in a while which is saying something…because I live with him. Ha!

I researched, read the book, found online guidance and tools, made a Pinterest board filled with recipes and tips. I ordered supplies I couldn’t find at the store and equipment like a programmable slow cooker and more storage containers. I made lists and notes to get through the first week and made sure to have back up meals and approved snacks. It was all another job which happens with diets and lifestyle changes. It’s to be expected. I’m used to it after South Beach Diet, Cabbage Soup Diet, Banana Diet, Weight Watchers and all of the other “diets” I’ve tried. Whole30 makes a lot more sense and should be called “the way people should be eating anyway” diet. I’ve been documenting some of what I eat and products I like on my Instagram account if you want a peak.

Back to the husband problem. Week 1 he “accidentally” ate a brownie on the third or fourth day. It didn’t dawn on him nor did he say anything to me until that weekend. He didn’t see it a big deal. He ended up sleeping on the couch. That’s how wrong he was. I was so ticked I barely slept and was still angry in the morning which doesn’t happen very often. That’s where I’m not sure if it was following the Whole 30 diet or lack of sleep that wiped me out that weekend in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t necessarily sleepy tired, but physically and mentally exhausted. (Greg said he never got that but la-di-da…and he ended up looking leaner and keeping his energy up which is total bs since I was doing the prep work and he just ate what I gave him and I only looked slightly less fat which I think is in my head at Day 15.)

Sure being on the “restrictive” diet might make me/us more agitated than usual, but this brownie was a case where there was more that had piled up until it came to a head that weekend when he casually said -so he had been saying all week-that his stomach has been upset and I kept telling him he must be doing something different from me because I was fine. We went over and over what it could have been then he casually dropped that he had a brownie. I kid you not, he was surprised to find out he had to start over and that a brownie wasn’t ok. A sugar-filled, chocolate, yummy delight? Are you sure I can’t have dairy, sugar, or chocolate in the form of a dense cake? Could have sworn that Whole 30 allows all of that…and potato chips, cheese, pasta, beer and any other dessert or processed food I want. No? Hmmm.

I’m sure I had the murdery look on my face when he said it. I think I was more upset that it didn’t click that that was not cool. It was 2005’s “Ice Cream-gate” all over again. Have you heard that one?  Well sit down for this if you aren’t already.

Greg, my then fiance, went for a run-like 1/4th of a mile by campus with lots of walking (how I imagine it went) when he thought “I ran far enough, it’s giant ice cream cone time.”

A little backstory here: I asked him if he would clean up the apartment since it was his stuff all over the place before I got back from class…I get back, the place is an even bigger mess including a sink full of dishes I hadn’t made and his clothes tossed everywhere. Clothes that were added to the other piles I had hoped would be picked up. I was a bit worried something bad had happened…just then I turned around to see him outside the glass patio door about to enter with this giant ice cream cone. Just licking away, innocence on his face. That’s when he spotted my angry face on the other side of the glass mid-lick. I will never forget that moment.  It’s hilarious now.

I should mention I was on Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet at the time so this was especially cruel. His innocent, sweet, ice cream-all-over-his-face face changed to a dumbfounded, surprised face. To this day I reference that story and make that face when he has done something similar so he knows the equivalent acts and understands that it feels like a bomb goes off in my brain when he does things like that.

The brownie event also happened to be the weekend we were putting in our new kitchen. The 6th weekend (and Memorial Day weekend) of living in a weird arrangement since taking out most of the old kitchen for the renovation. I know, perfect timing to start the Whole 30. We had a grill and microwave most of the time with limited use of the oven. Perfect.

Notable mention: the previous weekend we went to put the stove back in the kitchen after a weekend of painting when the stove sparked and died upon plugging it in. Why? Because the cord was caught on the corner when Greg decided to toss it around like a lightweight dance partner (something he does not know with me) and unbeknownst to us, jerked the terminal lose which caused sparks when it hit the plate that is there to prevent this sort of thing. He put it back on and all was well. Until…

Back to Memorial Day weekend or “Brownie-geddon,” Monday evening came around and we put the stove back in place to use for the next week. Fine and dandy. Tuesday morning arrived, I went to use the burner and hmm, no juicy. None of the glass top burners would turn on. Greg checked it out and said “it did it again” but this time we had to replace the entire cord/terminals. Nothing had been caught so it was baffling. But, it was repaired and we moved on.

Week 2 (which was only 2 days after the cord replacement) he set the stove burner on fire…close anyway. He left the burner on-it was on for 5 hours-and because something went kaput with the top a few days before, the lights don’t work when they should to tell you a burner is on or still hot. The burner was not red nor had a light indicating it on or hot. It was set to level 7 for 5 hours. Pretty much since he made his breakfast at 5:30AM.

Meanwhile doo doo doo I had a lovely morning. The pups and I headed outside, looked at the flowers, had some coffee and checked my email on the laptop, on the beautiful patio. Came in, set to organize the cabinet, put the brand new slow cooker on the stove and a minute later I smell burning. No smoke detector went off. Nothing. I turned around to smoke billowing from the slow cooker and burner. I turned the burner off and ran with the slow cooker to the mulch out the side door, leaving a trail of burning, melting plastic. Useful if I ever forgot out to get to the side door from the kitchen. Murdery eyes numero 3. Greg was not there to see these, but he could hear them on the phone I’m sure.

The plastic was scraped from the burner, but the slow cooker was done. The new one. I just got a few weeks before for some Whole30 cooking. I was more concerned with having to buy a new stove until I got the melted plastic scraped off. We got our dishwasher to match the appliances-same brand and everything. Found it on craigslist for cheap. So cheap and in working order that we jumped for joy. A joy Greg would try to wipe out a few months later or a few days after putting the matching dishwasher in the renovated kitchen. He makes dreams come true in home improvement/renovations and yet is a murderer of joy sometimes in other areas. I refer to him as a lumberjack chopping down all my dreams. I have a song for it.

Dreams like when you think wow, this Whole30 is great and we both feel pretty good/it’s not hard and we really like the food/I just spent $300 on groceries for 2 people for a week’s worth of food & it better not be wasted and screwed up…then Greg happens. Then lots of bangs and pops in my head from the bomb.

*I’ve received a few comments from friends that make it seem like I’m blowing it out of proportion, but if you live with Greg-even a week would do it-you would understand. This is years of the same, people. Plus, it’s mostly husbands I’m getting this from….

All of that in my first 10 days of Whole30. Greg is 3 days behind. Because of a brownie.

The lesson is brownie + kitchen reno + Whole30 +absentminded husband = murdery eyes and brain bombs.